The Mirror of Kong Ho Read online

  Produced by John Bickers

  THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

  By Ernest Bramah

  A lively and amusing collection of letters on western living written by Kong Ho, a Chinese gentleman. These addressed to his homeland, refer to the Westerners in London as barbarians and many of the aids to life in our society give Kong Ho endless food for thought. These are things such as the motor car and the piano; unknown in China at this time.

  INTRODUCTION

  ESTIMABLE BARBARIAN,--Your opportune suggestion that I should permit theletters, wherein I have described with undeviating fidelity the customsand manner of behaving of your accomplished race, to be set forth inthe form of printed leaves for all to behold, is doubtlessgracefully-intentioned, and this person will raise no barrier of dissentagainst it.

  In this he is inspired by the benevolent hope that his immaturecompositions may to one extent become a model and a by-word to those whoin turn visit his own land of Fragrant Purity; for with exacting carehe has set down no detail that has not come under his direct observation(although it is not to be denied that here or there he may, perchance,have misunderstood an involved allusion or failed to grasp the innersignificance of an act), so that Impartiality necessarily sways hisbrush, and Truth lurks within his inkpot.

  In an entirely contrary manner some, who of recent years have gratifiedus with their magnanimous presence, have returned to their own countriesnot only with the internal fittings of many of our palaces (which,being for the most part of a replaceable nature, need be only triviallyreferred to, the incident, indeed, being generally regarded as a mostcordial and pressing variety of foreign politeness), but also--inthe lack of highly-spiced actuality--with subtly-imagined and trulyobjectionable instances. These calumnies they have not hesitated tocommit to the form of printed books, which, falling into the handsof the ignorant and undiscriminating, may even suggest to theirill-balanced minds a doubt whether we of the Celestial Empire really arethe wisest, bravest, purest, and most enlightened people in existence.

  As a parting, it only remains to be said that, in order to maintainunimpaired the quaint-sounding brevity and archaic construction of yourprepossessing language, I have engraved most of the remarks upon thereceptive tablets of my mind as they were uttered. To one who can repeatthe Five Classics without stumbling this is a contemptible achievement.Let it be an imposed obligation, therefore, that you retain theseportions unchanged as a test and a proof to all who may read. Of myown deficient words, I can only in truest courtesy maintain that anyalteration must of necessity make them less offensively commonplace thanat present they are.

  The Sign and immutable Thumb-mark of, Kong Ho

  By a sure hand to the House of one Ernest Bramah.

  THE MIRROR OF KONG HO

  LETTER I

  Concerning the journey. The unlawful demons invoked by certain of the barbarians; their power and the manner of their suppression. Suppression. The incredible obtuseness of those who attend within tea-houses. The harmonious attitude of a person of commerce.

  VENERATED SIRE (at whose virtuous and well-established feet an unworthyson now prostrates himself in spirit repeatedly),--

  Having at length reached the summit of my journey, that London of whichthe merchants from Canton spoke so many strange and incredible things, Inow send you filial salutations three times increased, and in accordancewith your explicit command I shall write all things to you with anunvarnished brush, well assured that your versatile object in committingme to so questionable an enterprise was, above all, to learn thetruth of these matters in an undeviating and yet open-headed spirit ofaccuracy and toleration.

  Of the perils incurred while travelling in the awe-inspiring devices bywhich I was transferred from shore to shore and yet further inland,of the utter absence of all leisurely dignity on the part ofthose controlling their movements, and of the almost unnaturalself-opinionatedness which led them to persist in starting at a statedand prearranged time, even when this person had courteously pointedout to them by irrefutable omens that neither the day nor the hour wassuitable for the venture, I have already written. It is enough to assertthat a similar want of prudence was maintained on every occasion, and,as a result, when actually within sight of the walls of this city, wewere involved for upwards of an hour in a very evilly-arranged yellowdarkness, which, had we but delayed for a day, as I strenuously advisedthose in authority after consulting the Sacred Flat and Round Sticks, weshould certainly have avoided.

  Concerning the real nature of the devices by which the ships arepropelled at sea and the carriages on land, I must still unroll a blankmind until I can secretly, and without undue hazard, examine them moreclosely. If, as you maintain, it is the work of captive demons hiddenaway among their most inside parts, it must be admitted that theseusually intractable beings are admirably trained and controlled, andI am wide-headed enough to think that in this respect wemight--not-withstanding our nine thousand years of civilisedrefinement--learn something of the methods of these barbarians. Thesecret, however, is jealously guarded, and they deny the existence ofany supernatural forces; but their protests may be ignored, for thereis undoubtedly a powerful demon used in a similar way by some of theboldest of them, although its employment is unlawful. A certain kind ofchariot is used for the occupation of this demon, and those who wishto invoke it conceal their faces within masks of terrifying design, andcover their hands and bodies with specially prepared garments, withoutwhich it would be fatal to encounter these very powerful spirits.While yet among the habitations of men, and in crowded places, they areconstrained to use less powerful demons, which are lawful, but whenthey reach the unfrequented paths they throw aside all restraint, and,calling to their aid the forbidden spirit (which they do by secretmovements of the hands), they are carried forward by its agency at aspeed unattainable by merely human means. By day the demon looks forthfrom three white eyes, which at night have a penetrating brillianceequal to the fiercest glances of the Sacred Dragon in anger. If anyperson incautiously stands in its way it utters a warning cry ofintolerable rage, and should the presumptuous one neglect to escape tothe roadside and there prostrate himself reverentially before it, itseizes him by the body part and contemptuously hurls him bruised andunrecognisable into the boundless space of the around. Frequentlythe demon causes the chariot to rise into the air, and it is crediblyasserted by discriminating witnesses (although this person only setsdown as incapable of denial that which he has actually beheld) thatsome have maintained an unceasing flight through the middle air for adistance of many li. Occasionally the captive demon escapes from thebondage of those who have invoked it, through some incautious gestureor heretical remark on their part, and then it never fails to use themgrievously, casting them to the ground wounded, consuming the chariotwith fire, and passing away in the midst of an exceedingly debasedodour, by which it is always accompanied after the manner of our ownearth spirits.

  This being, as this person has already set forth, an unlawful demon onaccount of its power when once called up, and the admitted uncertaintyof its movements, those in authority maintain a stern and inexorableface towards the practice. To entrap the unwary certain persons (chosenon account of their massive outlines, and further protected from evilinfluences by their pure and consistent habits) keep an unceasing watch.When one of them, himself lying concealed, detects the approach of sucha being, he closely observes the position of the sun, and signals tothe other a message of warning. Then the second one, shielded by thesanctity of his life and rendered inviolable by the nature of hisgarments--his sandals alone being capable of overturning any demon fromhis path should it encounter them--boldly steps forth into the road andholds out before him certain sacred emblems. So powerful are these
that at the sight the unlawful demon confesses itself vanquished, andalthough its whole body trembles with ill-contained rage, and the airaround is poisoned by its discreditable exhalation, it is devoid offurther resistance. Those in the chariot are thereupon commanded todismiss it, and being bound in chains they are led into the presence ofcertain lesser mandarins who administer justice from a raised dais.

  "Behold!" exclaims the chief of the captors, when the prisoners havebeen placed in obsequious attitudes before the lesser mandarins, "thusthe matter chanced: The honourable Wang, although disguised under thesemblance of an applewoman, had discreetly concealed himself by theroadside, all but his head being underneath a stream of stagnant water,when, at the eighth hour of the morning, he beheld these repulsiveoutcasts approaching in their chariot, carried forward by the diabolicalvigour of the unlawful demon. Although I had stationed myself several lidistant from the accomplished Wang, the chariot reached me in less thana breathing space of time, those inside assuming their fiercest and mostaggressive attitudes, and as they came repeatedly urging the demon toincreased exertions. Their speed exceeded that of the swallow inhis hymeneal flight, all shrubs and flowers by the wayside witheredincapably at the demon's contaminating glance, running water ceasedto flow, and the road itself was scorched at their passage, the earthemitting a dull bluish flame. These facts, and the times and thedistances, this person has further inscribed in a book which thusdisposes of all possible defence. Therefore, O lesser mandarins, letjustice be accomplished heavily and without delay; for, as the proverbtruly says, 'The fiercer the flame the more useless the struggles of thevictim.'"

  At this point the prisoners frequently endeavour to make themselvesheard, protesting that in the distance between the concealed Wang andthe one who stands accusing them they had thrice stopped to repair theirinnermost details, had leisurely partaken of food and wine, and hadalso been overtaken, struck, and delayed by a funeral procession. But sogreat is the execration in which these persons are held, that althoughmurderers by stealth, outlaws, snatchers from the body, and companies ofmen who by strategy make a smaller sum of money appear to be larger, canall freely testify their innocence, raisers of this unlawful demonmust not do so, and they are beaten on the head with chains until theydesist.

  Then the lesser mandarins, raising their voices in unison, exclaim,"The amiable Tsay-hi has reported the matter in a discreet and impartialspirit. Hear our pronouncement: These raisers of illegal spiritsshall each contribute ten taels of gold, which shall be expended injoss-sticks, in purifying the road which they have scorched, and inalleviating the distress of the poor and virtuous of both sexes. Thepraiseworthy Tsay-hi, moreover, shall embroider upon his sleeve anhonourable sign in remembrance of the event. Let drums now be beat, andour verdict loudly proclaimed throughout the province."

  These things, O my illustrious father (although on account of mycontemptible deficiencies of style much may seem improbable to yourall-knowing mind), these things I write with an unbending brush; forI set down only that which I have myself seen, or read in their ownprinted records. Doubtless it will occur to one of your preternaturalintelligence that our own system of administering justice, whereby theperson who can hire the greater number of witnesses is reasonably heldto be in the right, although perhaps not absolutely infallible, is inevery way more convenient; but, as it is well said, "To the blind, nightis as acceptable as day."

  Henceforth you will have no hesitation in letting it be known throughoutYuen-ping that these foreign barbarians do possess secret demons, inspite of their denials. Doubtless I shall presently discover others noless powerful.

  With honourable distinction this person has at length grasped theessential details of the spoken language here--not sufficiently well,indeed, to make himself understood on most occasions, or even tounderstand others, but enough to perceive clearly when he fails tobecome intelligible or when they experience a like difficulty with him.Upon an earlier occasion, before he had made so much progress, being oneday left to his own resources, and feeling an internal lack, he enteredwhat appeared to be a tea-shop of reputable demeanour, and, seatinghimself at one of the little marble tables, he freely pronounced thecarefully-learned word "rice" to the attending nymph. To put aside alldetails of preparation (into which, indeed, this person could notenter) he waved his hand gracefully, at the same time smiling with anexpression of tolerant acquiescence, as of one who would say that whatwas good enough to be cooked and offered by so entrancing a maidenwas good enough to be eaten by him. After remaining in unruffledtranquillity for the full portion of an hour, and observing that noother person around had to wait above half that period, this one beganto perceive that the enterprise was not likely to terminate in amanner satisfactory to himself; so that, leaving this place with a fewwell-chosen phrases of intolerable regret in his own tongue, he enteredanother, and conducted himself in a like fashion.... Towards evening,with an unperturbed exterior, but materially afflicted elsewhere, thisperson seated himself within the eleventh tea-shop, and, pointing firsttowards his own constituents of digestion, then at the fire, andlastly in an upward direction, thereby signified to any not of stuntedintellect that he had reached such a condition of mind and body that hewas ready to consume whatever the ruling deities were willing to allot,whether boiled, baked, roast, or suspended from a skewer. In thisresolve nothing would move him, until--after many maidens had approachedwith outstretched hands and gestures of despair--there presently entereda person wearing the helmet of a warrior and the manner of a highofficial, who spoke strongly, yet persuasively, of the virtues ofimmediate movement and a quiet and reposeful bearing.

  Assuredly a people who devote so little attention to the study of food,and all matters connected with it, must inevitably remain barbaric,however skilfully they may feign a superficial refinement. It is said,although I do not commit this matter to my own brush, that among themare more books composed on subjects which have no actual existencethan on cooking, and, incredible as it may appear, to be exceptionallyround-bodied confers no public honour upon the individual. Should afavourable occasion present itself, there are many who do not scruple tojest upon the subject of food, or, what is incalculably more depraved,upon the scarcity of it.

  Nevertheless, there are exceptions of a highly distinguished radiance.Among these must be accounted one into whose presence this person wasrecently led by our polished and harmonious friend Quang-Tsun, themerchant in tea and spices. This versatile person, whose business-nameis spoken of as Jones Bob-Jones, is worthy of all benignant respect,and in a really enlightened country would doubtless be raised to amore exalted position than that of a breaker of outsides (an occupationdifficult to express adequately in the written language of a countrywhere it is unknown), for his face is like the sun setting in the timeof harvest, his waist garment excessive, and the undoubted symmetry ofhis middle portions honourable in the extreme. So welcome in my eyes,after witnessing an unending stream of concave and attenuated barbarianghosts, was the sight of these perfections of Jones Bob-Jones, thatinstead of the formal greeting of this Island--the unmeaning "How doyou do it?"--I shook hands cordially with myself, and exclaimedaffectionately in our own language, "Illimitable felicities! How is yourstomach?"

  "Well," replied Jones Bob-Jones, after Quang-Tsun had interpreted thispolite salutation to his understanding, "since you mention it, that'sjust the trouble; but I'm going on pretty well, thanks. I've tried mostof the advertised things, and now my doctor has put me practically on abread-and-water course--clear soup, boiled fish, plain joint, no sweets,a crumb of cheese, and a bare three glasses of Hermitage."

  During this amiable remark (of which, as it is somewhat of a technicalnature, I was unable to grasp the contained significance until theagreeable Quang-Tsun had subsequently repeated it several times for myretention), I maintained a consistent expression of harmonious agreementand gratified esteem (suitable, I find, for all like occasions), andthen, judging from the sympathetic animation of Jones Bob-Jones'scountenance, that it had not i
mprobably been connected with food,I discreetly introduced the subject of sea-snails, preserved in theessence of crushed peaches, by courteously inquiring whether he had everpartaken of such a delicacy.

  "No," replied the liberal-minded person, when--encouraged by theprotruding eagerness of his eyes at the mention of the viand--I hadfurther spoken of the refined flavour of the dish, and explained themanner of its preparation. "I can't say that I have, but it soundsuncommonly good--something like turtle, I should imagine. I'll see ifthey can get it for me at Pimm's."

  This filial tribute goes by a trusty hand, in the person of one Ki Nihy,who is shortly committing himself to the protection of his ancestorsand the voracity of the unbounded Bitter Waters; and with brightnessand gold it will doubtless reach you in the course of twelve or eighteenmoons. The superstitious here, this person may describe, when they wishto send messages from one to another, inscribe upon the outer cover awritten representation of the one whose habitation they require, andafter affixing a small paper talisman, drop it into a hole in thenearest wall, in the hope that it may be ultimately conveyed to theappointed spot, either by the services of the charitably-disposedpasser-by, or by the intervention of the beneficent deities.

  With a multiplicity of greetings and many abject expressions of aconscious inferiority, and attested by an unvarying thumb-mark.

  KONG HO. (Effete branch of a pure and magnanimous trunk.)

  To Kong Ah-Paik, reclining beneath the sign of the Lead Tortoise, in anortherly direction beyond the Lotus Beds outside the city of Yuen-ping.The Middle Flowery Kingdom.