More Toasts Page 2

  This story is told of an absent-minded professor at Drew TheologicalSeminary. One evening while studying he had need of a book-mark.Seeing nothing else handy, he used his wife's scissors, which lay onthe sewing-table. A few minutes later the wife wanted the scissors,but a diligent search failed to reveal them.

  The next day the professor appeared before his class and opened hisbook. There lay the scissors. He picked them up and, holding themabove his head, shouted:

  "Here they are, dear!"

  Yes, the class got it.

  Deep in a ponderous calculation, the professor leaned over his desk.One hand held his massive brow; the other guided the pencil.

  Suddenly the library door was flung open, and a nurse entered, smilingbroadly.

  "There's a little stranger upstairs, professor," she announced, ofcourse referring to the very latest arrival.

  "Eh?" grunted the man of learning, poring deeply over his problem.

  "It's a little boy," remarked the nurse, still smiling.

  "Little boy," mused the professor. "Little boy-eh? Well ask him whathe wants."

  A story is current concerning a professor who is reputed to beslightly absent-minded. The learned man had arranged to escort hiswife one evening to the theater. "I don't like the tie you have on. Iwish you would go up and put on another," said his wife.

  The professor tranquilly obeyed. Moment after moment elapsed, untilfinally the impatient wife went upstairs to learn the cause of thedelay. In his room she found her husband undressed and getting intobed.

  "How will you have your roast beef?" asked the waiter.

  "Well done, good and faithful servant," murmured the clerical-lookingdiner absent-mindedly.

  _See also_ Habit; Memory.

  ACCIDENTS

  Hearing a crash of glassware one morning, Mrs. Blank called to hermaid in the adjoining room, "Norah, what on earth are you doing?"

  "I ain't doin' nothin', mum," replied Norah; "it's done."

  A big Irishman, while carrying a ladder through a crowded streethad the misfortune to break a plate-glass window in a store. Heimmediately dropped his ladder and broke into a run, but he had beenseen by the shopkeeper, who dashed after him in company with severalsalesmen, and was soon caught.

  "Here you big loafer!" shouted the angry shopkeeper, when he hadregained his breath. "You have broken my window!"

  "I sure have," admitted the Celt, "and didn't you see me running hometo get the money to pay for it?"

  There was a man who fancied that by driving good and fast He'd get his car across the track before the train came past; He'd miss the engine by an inch, and make the train-hands sore. There was a man who fancied this; there isn't any more.

  ACCURACY

  In one of the industrial towns in South Wales a workman met with aserious accident. The doctor was sent for, and came and examinedhim, had him bandaged and carried home on a stretcher, seeminglyunconscious.

  After he was put to bed the doctor told his wife to give himsixpennyworth of brandy when he came to himself. After the doctor hadleft the wife told the daughter to run and fetch threepennyworth ofbrandy for her father.

  The old chap opened his eyes and said, in a loud voice: "Sixpenn'orth,the doctor said."

  An editor had a notice stuck up above his desk on which was printed:"Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!" and this notice he always pointed outto the new reporters.

  One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of apublic meeting. The editor read it through and came to the sentence:"Three thousand nine hundred ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon thespeaker."

  "What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?" he demanded,wrathfully.

  "But it's not a blunder," protested the youngster. "There was aone-eyed man in the audience!"

  ACTORS AND ACTRESSES

  FIRST ACTRESS (behind the scenes)--"Did you hear the way the publicwept during my death scene?"

  SECOND ACTRESS--"Yes, it must have been because they realized that itwas only acted!"

  "These love scenes are rotten. Can't the leading man act as if he werein love with the star?"

  "Can't act at all," said the director. "Trouble is, he is in love withher."

  The teacher was giving the class a natural history lecture onAustralia. "There is one animal," she said, "none of you havementioned. It does not stand up on its legs all the time. It does notwalk like other animals, but takes funny little skips. What is it?"And the class yelled with one voice, "Charlie Chaplin!"

  Eight-year-old Robert had been ill for nearly a month with tonsilitis,and nothing kept him contented but pictures of his favorite, CharlieChaplin, clipped from the pages of the motion-picture pictorials.

  One morning, as his mother sat beside his bed, he studied earnestly afull-page drawing of the million-dollar comedian.

  "Mother," he asked, "will Charlie Chaplin go to heaven?"

  "Why, yes--I hope so," answered the somewhat astonished parent.

  "Gee! won't the Lord have some fun then!" was Robert's comment.

  Sweeping his long hair back with an impressive gesture the visitorfaced the proprietor of the film studio. "I would like to secure aplace in your moving-picture company," he said.

  "You are an actor?" asked the film man.

  "Yes."

  "Had any experience acting without audiences?"

  A flicker of sadness shone in the visitor's eyes as he replied:

  "Acting without audiences is what brought me here!"

  It was a death-bed scene, but the director was not satisfied with thehero's acting.

  "Come on!" he cried. "Put more life in your dying!"

  "Pa, what's an actor?"

  "An actor, my boy, is a person who can walk to the side of a stage,peer into the wings at a group of other actors waiting for their cues,a number of bored stage hands and a lot of theatrical odds and endsand exclaim, 'What a lovely view there is from this window!'"

  "There were two actresses in an early play of mine," said an author,"both very beautiful; but the leading actress was thin. She quarreledone day at rehearsal with the other lady, and she ended the quarrel bysaying, haughtily: 'Remember, please, that I am the star.'

  "'Yes, I know you're the star,' the other retorted, eyeing with anamused smile the leading actress's long, slim figure, 'but you'd lookbetter, my dear, if you were a little meteor!'"

  INTERVIEWER--"What is your wife's favorite dish?"

  HUSBAND OF FAMOUS MOVIE ACTRESS--"In the magazines it is peach-bloomfudge-cake with orangewisp salad, but at home it is tripe andcabbage."--_Puck_.

  The actress stood before her mirror, in doublet and hose, and regardedher thin legs anxiously.

  "I'm not exactly a poem," said she, "but I may pass for heroic verse."

  ADVERTISING

  _The Question is How Much More?_

  TO RENT--In private home, a large, handsomely furnished front room;also a medium-sized one; every convenience; centrally and verychoicely located; rent more than reasonable. Address, etc.--

  Advertising is the test of integrity; the proof of integrity;that transmits an ever-increasing confidence to both producer andpurchaser.

  "I won't pay one cent for my advertising this week," declared thestore-keeper angrily to the editor of the country paper. "You told meyou'd put the notice of my shoe-polish in with the reading-matter."

  "And didn't I do it?" inquired the editor.

  "No, sir!" roared the advertiser. "No, sir, you did not! You put it inthe column with a mess of poetry, that's where you put it!"

  "Paw, what is an advertisement?"

  "An advertisement is the picture of a pretty girl eating, wearing,holding or driving something that somebody wants to sell."

  A violinist was bitterly disappointed with the account of his recitalprinted in the paper of a small town.

  "I told your man three or four times," complained the musician tothe owner of the paper, "that the instrument I used was a genuineStradivarius, and in his story there was not a word
about it, not aword."

  Whereupon the owner said with a laugh:

  "That is as it should be. When Mr. Stradivarius gets his fiddlesadvertised in my paper under ten cents a line, you come around and letme know."

  "Oh, we called about the flat advertised."

  "Well, I did mean to let it, but since I've read the house-agent'sdescription of it, I really feel I can't part with it."

  CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Your advertisement begins: 'Wanted: SilentPartner.'"

  ADVERTISER--"Yes, that's right."

  CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER--"Do you want this placed under BusinessOpportunities or Matrimony?"

  "Say, Jim," said the friend of the taxicab-driver, standing in frontof the vehicle, "there's a purse lying on the floor of your car."

  The driver looked carefully around and then whispered: "Sometimes whenbusiness is bad I put it there and leave the door open. It's empty,but you've no idea how many people'll jump in for a short drive whenthey see it."

  Recently the L. P. Ross Shoe Company inserted an advertisement in aRochester paper for vampers and closers-up. Among the answers receivedwas one from a young lady who signed herself Miss Mabelle Jones andgave her address as General Delivery, Rochester. The letter said inpart:

  "_Gentlemen_: I have seen your ad for vampires and close-ups and Iwould like the job. I have been studying to vamp for several years andhave been practising eye work for a long while. My gentlemen friendstell me that I have the other movie vamps backed off the map. Ihave made a particular study of Theda Bara. I don't know much aboutclose-ups, but suppose I could learn. I have a good form, swell browneyes, and a fine complexion."

  "If you would like, I will call and show you what I can do. I havebeen looking for a vampire job, but never saw no ads in the papersbefore." "Yours," "MABELLE JONES."

  "P. S.--Do you furnish clothes for your vampires? I have just come toRochester and so I haven't got many clothes."--_Rochester Herald_.

  _His Little Ad_

  There was a man in our town And he was wondrous wise; He swore (it was his policy) He would not advertise. But one day he did advertise, And thereby hangs a tail, The "ad" was set in quite small type, And headed "Sheriff's Sale."

  Burton Holmes, the lecturer, had an interesting experience, while inLondon. He told some Washington friends a day or two ago that when hevisited the theater where he was to deliver his travelogue he decidedthat the entrance to the theater was rather dingy and that thereshould be more display of his attraction.

  Accordingly, he suggested to the manager of the house that the frontbe brightened up at night by electrical signs, one row of lightsspelling his name "Burton" and another row of lights spelling the name"Holmes."

  The manager told him it was too much of an innovation for him toauthorize and referred him to the owner of the theater. Mr. Holmestraveled several hours into the country to consult with the owner,who referred him to his agent in the city. The agent in turn sent Mr.Holmes to the janitor of the theater.

  "I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for about anhour," Mr. Holmes said. "Finally, after we had gone into every detailof the cost and everything else, the janitor told me that the theaterwas a very exclusive and high class theater, and that he would not putup the sign. I asked him why?"

  "Because it would attract too much attention to the theater," thejanitor replied.

  "What's your time?" asked the old farmer of the brisk salesman."Twenty minutes after five. What can I do for you?" "I want thempants," said the old farmer, leading the way to the window andpointing to a ticket marked, "Given away at 5.20."

  _See also_ Authorship; Beauty, Personal; Salesmen and salesmanship.

  ADVICE

  The most unfair person is the one who asks you for advice and doesn'tlet you know what advice he wants.

  Another thing that we sometimes take when nobody's looking is advice.

  It is a good divine that follows his own instructions: I can easierteach twenty what were good to be done, than be one of the twenty tofollow mine own teaching.--_Shakespeare_.

  Advice is the most worthless commodity in the world. Those who mightprofit by it don't need it, and those who do need it won't profit byit--if they could, they wouldn't need it.

  How often have my kindly friends, (When Fate has dealt me some shrewd blow), Recalling random odds and ends Of counsel, cried: "I told you so!"

  But when 'twas I who warned, and they Who heeded not, and came to woe, I wonder why they'd never say: "That's right, old chap, you told me so!"

  AFTER DINNER SPEECHES

  _Recipe for an After-dinner Speech_

  Three long breaths. Compliment to the audience. Funny Story. Outline of what speaker is _not_ going to say. Points that he will touch on later. Two Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. Outline of what speaker _is_ going to say. Points that he has not time to touch on now. Reference to what he said first. Funny Story. Compliment to the audience. Ditto to our City, State and Country. Applause.

  N. B. For an oration, use same formula, repeating each sentence threetimes in slightly different words.--_Mary Eleanor Roberts_.

  "You wrote this report of last night's banquet, did you?" asked theeditor with the copy in his hand.

  "Yes, sir," replied the reporter.

  "And this expression, 'The banquet-table groaned'--do you think thatis proper?"

  "Oh, yes, sir. The funny stories the after-dinner speakers told wouldmake any table groan."

  _See also_ Politicians; Public speakers.

  AGE

  HE--"How old are you?"

  SHE--"I've just turned twenty-three."

  HE--"Oh, I see--thirty-two."

  A judge asked a woman her age.

  "Thirty," she replied.

  "You've given that age in this court for the last three years."

  "Yes. I'm not one of those who says one thing today and another thingtomorrow."

  "Willie," said his mother. "I wish you would run across the street andsee how old Mrs. Brown is this morning."

  "Yes'm," replied Willie, and a few minutes later he returned andreported:

  "Mrs. Brown says it's none of your business how old she is."

  "Well, auntie, have you got your photographs yet?"

  "Yes, and I sent them back in disgust."

  "Gracious! How was that?"

  "Why, on the back of every photo was written this, 'The original ofthis is carefully preserved.'"

  Answering the question, "When is a woman old?" a famous tragediennewrote: "The conceited never; the unhappy too soon, and the wise at theright time."

  When saving for your old age, don't neglect to lay up a few pleasantthoughts.

  "To what do you attribute your long life, Uncle Mose?" asked anewspaper interviewer of a colored centenarian.

  "Becuz Ah was bo'n a long time back," the old gentleman replied.

  MURIEL--"I don't intend to be married until after I'm thirty."

  MABEL--"And I don't intend to be thirty until after I'mmarried!"--_Life_.

  My first gray hair! I never knew that you were there, Nor least expected you would come so soon-- But you are there; From whence you came or where I know not, but I care.

  You make me stop and wonder Why I find you there to-night, Is it some worry or some fright That leaves you colorless, and oh, so white? You'll not be seen, oh, no, not yet. On that your fondest curls you bet, For just as long as you are there I'll hide you very neatly--there! And none will wonder--only I, at you-- My first gray hair.

  --_Wells Hawks_.

  One great advantage of really being old is that one is beyond beingtold he is getting old.

  _Twenty-One Plus_

  FIRST SUFFRAGIST--"How old do you think Mabel is?"

  SECOND SUFFRAGIST--"Well, I should say she had lost about seventeenvotes."

  A maiden lady of uncertain age became very indignant
when the censustaker asked how old she was. "Did you see the girls next door," sheasked--"The Hill twins?"

  "Certainly," replied the census man.

  "And did they tell you their age?"

  "Yes."

  "Well," she snapped, "I'm just as old as they are."

  "Oh, very well," said the census man; and he wrote in his book, "SarahStokes, as old as the Hills."

  I remember, I remember, The fir trees dark and high; I used to think their slender tops Were close against the sky; It was a childish ignorance, But now 'tis little joy To know I'm farther off from heaven Than when I was a boy.

  PHYSICIAN--"Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, asit is merely an indication of advancing years."

  MR. MEEK--"Doctor would you mind telling her yourself?"

  "Ma, is Mr. Jones an awfully old man?"

  "No, dear, I don't believe so. What makes you ask?"

  "Well, I think he must be, because I heard Pa say last night that Mr.Jones raised his ante."

  AGRICULTURE

  "Crop failures?" asked the old timer.

  "Yes, I've seen a few in my day. In 1854 the corn crop was almostnothing. We cooked some for dinner, and my father ate fourteen acresof corn at one meal!"--_Life_.

  _See also_ Farming; Laws.