More Toasts Page 3

  ALARM CLOCKS

  To-day I bought an alarm-clock, It has a very loud ring. I think I will call it the Star-Spangled Banner, For every time I hear it I have to get up.

  A Swede was working for a farmer, who demanded punctuality aboveeverything else. The farmer told him that he must be at work everymorning at 4 o'clock sharp. The "hand" failed to get up in time, andthe farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought analarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. Butone morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmerimmediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that hisalarm-clock was to blame.

  Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined tofind out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces,and discovered a dead cockroach among the works.

  "Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn'trun--the engineer bane daid."

  "I heard something this morning that opened my eyes."

  "So did I--an alarm clock."

  "Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want isone that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family."

  "I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said the manbehind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind--the kind thatwill wake the whole family without disturbing the girl."

  _See also_ Philadelphia; Tardiness.

  ALIBI

  TEACHER--"What is an alibi?"

  BRIGHT Boy--"Being somewhere where you ain't."

  ALIMONY

  _Or Go to Jail_

  "Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the Friendwho was seeking free advice.

  "Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married."

  ALPHABET

  MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)--"Now, dearie, whatcomes after 'g'?"

  THE CHILD--"Whiz!"--_Judge_.

  ALTERNATIVES

  _See_ Choices.

  AMBITION

  Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home.Second, to own a car to get away from his home.

  Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makesconcerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a means tohappiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate it as anend.--_Colton_.

  To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire;and this desire must shorten thy sleep.--_Ovid_.

  The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love ofglory.--_Cicero_.

  When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress isboundless.--_Seneca_.

  AMERICANS

  A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York paper anadvertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has lost his right legis desirous of making the acquaintance of some one who has lost hisleft leg, in order to become associated with him in the purchaseof boots and shoes, size 8." The very observant French editor verypolitely comments: "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but henever loses his head."

  "That's the Goddess of Liberty," explained the New Yorker. "Fineattitude, eh?"

  "Yes, and typically American," replied the Western visitor. "Hangingto a strap."

  "William," asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you tell me whoGeorge Washington was?"

  "Yes, ma'am," was the quick reply. "He was an American gen'ral."

  "Quite right," replied the teacher. "And can you tell us what GeorgeWashington was remarkable for?"

  "Yes, ma'am," replied the little boy. "He was remarkable because hewas an American and told the truth."

  A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain'tthis just like hell!" exclaimed an American. "Ah, the Americans," saida Frenchman standing by, "Where have they not been?"

  AMUSEMENTS

  It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry handkerchief inthe house. But one man in the first balcony irritated his neighborsexcessively by refusing to take the performance in the proper spirit.Instead of weeping, he laughed. While others were mopping their eyesand endeavoring to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merrimentand he burst into inappropriate guffaws.

  At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly.

  "I d-don't know what brought y-you here," she sobbed, with streamingeyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-youdon't like the p-play you might l-let other p-people enjoy it!"

  ANCESTRY

  HAMPTON--"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They wereone of the first to come across."

  RHODES--"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last tocome across."--_Judge_.

  "Pa, what are ancestors?"

  "Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is another."

  "Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?"

  HE--"My ancestors came over in the _Mayflower_."

  SHE--"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricternow."

  ANIMALS

  It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo.

  "What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben.

  After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: "I thinkthe kangaroo and the elephant should change tails."

  ANTICIPATION

  "Mr. Blinks," said she, "do you think that anticipation is greaterthan realization?"

  "Well," replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and higher, butrealization is longer and flatter."

  ANTIQUES

  "Gee, whiz! Isn't that Smithson who just went by in his automobile?When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop."

  "He still has. Only he moved in to a fashionable street and labeledthe same stock 'Antiques.'"

  CUSTOMER--"What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I pricedit last week and you said three hundred and fifty."

  DEALER--"Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone upso!"

  AD WRITER--"When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale ofantiques you have been planning?"

  BOSS--"We'll have to hold back on those awhile. The wormhole borersare on strike in Grand Rapids."

  APARTMENTS

  MR. LONGSUFFER--"Say, janitor, it's down to zero in my flat."

  JANITOR--"Down to zero, is it? That's nothing."

  _Necessarily So_

  "I wonder if they take children in these apartments."

  "They must. Some of the rooms aren't big enough for a grown person."

  "How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenetteapartment?"

  "Oh, they have no room for complaint!"--_Judge_.

  APPEARANCES

  A man's appearance indicates how his business is prospering, and hiswife's appearance shows how much he is spending.

  In civilized society external advantages make us more respected. A manwith a good coat upon his back meets with a better reception than hewho has a bad one. You may analyze this and say, what is there init? But that will avail you nothing, for it is a part of a generalsystem.--_Johnson_.

  A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor byseeming rich.--_Shenstone_.

  Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold.--_Chesterfield_.

  In all professions every one affects a particular look and exterior,in order to appear what he wishes to be thought; so that it may besaid the world's made up of appearances.--_La Rochefoucauld_.

  APPETITE

  "Josh," said Farmer Corntossel to his son, "I wish, if you don't mind,you'd eat off to yourself instead of with the summer boarders."

  "Isn't my society good enough for them?"

  "Your society is fine. But your appetite sets a terrible example."

  TEACHER--"You remember the story of Daniel in the lion's den, Robbie?"

  ROBBIE--"Yes, ma'am."

  TEACHER--"What lesson do we learn from it?"

  ROBBIE--"That we shouldn't eat everything we see."

  APPLAUSE

  "You don't att
ach much importance to the applause an orator receives."

  "Not much," admitted Senator Sorghum. "There is bound to be applause.You can't expect an audience to sit still all evening and doabsolutely nothing."

  "The train pulled out before you had finished your speech."

  "Yes," replied Senator Sorghum. "As I heard the shouts of the crowdfading in the distance I couldn't be sure whether they were applaudingme or the engineer."

  A slowness to applaud betrays a cold temper or an enviousspirit.--_Hannah More_.

  The silence that accepts merit as the most natural thing in the world,is the highest applause.--_Emerson_.

  ARITHMETIC

  "Waiter," he suggested mildly, "I want three eggs, and boil them fourminutes."

  But the cook, having only one in the place, boiled it twelve minutes.

  Which proves the value of higher mathematics.

  SCHOOL-TEACHER (to little boy)--"If a farmer raises 3,700 bushels ofwheat and sells it for $2.50 per bushel, what will he get?"

  LITTLE BOY--"An automobile."

  "Now, then, Johnny," said his teacher, "if your father gave you sevencents and your mother gave you six and your uncle gave you four more,what would you have?"

  Johnny wrinkled up his forehead and went into silence for the space ofseveral minutes.

  "Come, come," said the teacher impatiently. "Surely you can solve asimple little problem like that."

  "It ain't a simple problem at all," replied the boy. "I can't make upmy mind whether I'd have an ice-cream soda or go to the movies."

  In Missouri, where they raise more mules and children than in anyother place in the world, a certain resident died possessed ofseventeen mules and three sons. In his will he disposed of the mulesas follows: One-half to the eldest son, one-third to the next, andone-ninth to the youngest.

  The administrator who went to divide the property drove a span ofmules out to the farm, but when he went to divide the seventeen intohalves, thirds, and ninths he found it was impossible with live mules;mules not being very valuable, he unhitched one of his own, putting itwith the other seventeen, making eighteen, when he proceeded to divideas follows: One-half, or nine to the eldest, one third, or six, to thenext son, and one-ninth, or two, to the youngest. Adding up nine, six,two, he found that it made seventeen, so he hitched up his mule andwent home rejoicing.--_Ladies Home Journal_.

  "Now, Harold," said the teacher, "if there were eleven sheep in afield and six jumped the fence how many would there be left?"

  "None," replied Harold.

  "Why, but there would," said she.

  "No, ma'am, there wouldn't," persisted he. "You may know arithmetic,but you don't know sheep."

  One day, as Pat halted at the top of the river-bank, a man famous forhis inquisitive mind stopped and asked:

  "How long have you hauled water for the village, my good man?"

  "Tin years, sor."

  "Ah, how many loads do you take in a day?"

  "From tin to fifteen, sor."

  "Ah, yes! Now I have a problem for you. How much water at this ratehave you hauled in all?"

  The driver of the watering-cart jerked his thumb backward toward theriver and replied:

  "All the water yez don't see there now, sor."

  ARMIES

  A sentry was giving close attention to his post in the neighborhood ofa British army camp in England, challenging returning stragglers lateafter dark. The following is reported as an incident to his vigil:

  "Who goes there?" called the sentry at the sound of approachingfootsteps.

  "Coldstream Guards!" was the response.

  "Pass, Coldstream Guards!" rejoined the sentry.

  "Who goes there?" again challenged the sentry.

  "Forty-ninth Highlanders!" returned the unseen pedestrian.

  "Pass, Forty-ninth Highlanders!"

  "Who goes there?" sounded a third challenge.

  "None of your d--n business!" was the husky reply.

  "Pass, Canadians!" acquiesced the sentry.

  _Things in the Army that_

  _Increase_ _Decrease_ Your appetite. Your surplus fat. Your respect for the flag. Your self-conceit. Your love for your mother. Your fastidiousness. Your promptness. Your selfishness. Your democracy. Your carelessness. Your feet. Your finances.

  A few soldiers belonging to part of a Swiss regiment in garrison atBasel went to a certain cafe for refreshments. One of them sat downalone at a table. Later a civilian, a German, joined him and the twobegan to talk war politics. "Would you shoot on the Germans if theyinvaded Switzerland?" asked the German.

  "Oh, no, never!" exclaimed the soldier.

  "Waiter, a pint of beer and a beefsteak with potatoes for this braveman," ordered the civilian.

  "And your pals sitting at the next table--would they also not shootthe Germans if they tried to invade this country?"

  "Oh, no, never," retorted the Swiss.

  "Waiter, a glass of beer for each of the soldiers at the next table!"ordered the civilian.

  And addressing again the soldier, he asked: "Is this generally theview held in the Swiss Army in regard to a possible German invasion?Are all the Swiss soldiers so Germanophil?"

  "I don't know," replied the soldier.

  "But why would you not shoot the Germans?"

  "Because we belong to the band."

  OFFICER (to private)--"What are you doing down in that shell-hole?Didn't you hear me say we were out against four to one?"

  GEORDIE (a trade-unionist)--"Ay. Aa heard you; but aa've killed mafower."--_Punch_.

  "The army must be a terrible place," said Aunt Samanthy, looking upfrom the evening paper.

  "What makes you think so, Samanthy?" asked her dutiful spouse.

  "Why, jest think what it must be where beds is bunk and meals is amess."

  Said the colored lad as he was being mustered out, on being askedwhat train he was going to take for home: "Boss, I ain't gonna takeno train. I lives two hundred miles away, and I'se gonna run the firsteighteen, just to make sure they don't change their minds befo' Ileave camp."

  A factory foreman who had some 300 hands under him went into the army,became a captain of a company and could not get into the habit ofcalling his soldiers men, but invariably referred to them as my"hands." Imagine, therefore, the surprise of his commanding officerwhen the captain turned in a report of an engagement, in which hesaid he "had the very good fortune to have only one of my 'hands' shotthrough the nose."

  "Were you happy when you started for France?"

  "Happy? We were in transports."

  _See also_ Conscription; Military discipline.

  ART AND ARTISTS

  HENRY--"He may be a great artist, but he has a peculiar way of doingthings."

  HAPPY--"How's that?"

  HENRY--"He says he painted his greatest masterpiece on an emptystomach."

  _Impressionistic_

  Whistler once undertook to get a fellow artist's work into the autumnsalon. He succeeded, and the picture was hung. But the painter, goingto see his masterpiece with Whistler on varnishing day, uttered anexclamation of dismay.

  "Good Heavens!" he cried, "you're exhibiting my picture upside down."

  "Hush!" said Whistler. "The committee refused it the other way."

  "If you do good work, your work will grow after you are gone."

  "That's a fact. Rubens left only some 2,000 pictures, but there are10,000 of his pictures in circulation now."

  "Luxurious tastes Richleigh has. He has a Corot in his office."

  "That's nothing! I have a whistler in mine."

  Two ladies, each with her child, visited the Chicago Art Museum. Asthey passed the "Winged Victory" the little boy exclaimed: "Huh! Sheain't got no head." "Sh!" the horrified little girl replied, "That'sart; she don't need none!"

  One of those country gentlemen who owns a farm in Brown County, butlives in Indianapolis and only spends h
is weekends on the farm, askedone of his neighbors down in Brown county: "Did you know that T. C.Steele sold the picture that he painted on your farm?" The farmer madeno reply to this, and then the country gentleman told him the priceMr. Steele got for the canvas. "I just wish I had known the fellerliked the place well enough to pay that for a picture of it," thefarmer said. "I'd a' sold him the farm for $200 less than that."

  ARTIST--"Now, here's a picture--one of my best, too--I've justfinished. When I started out I had no idea what it was going to be."

  FRIEND--"After you got through, how did you find out what it was?"

  Bessie is a bright one. The other day her teacher set her and herschoolmates to drawing, letting them choose their own subjects. Afterthe teacher had examined what the other children had drawn, she tookup Bessie's sheet.

  "Why, what's this?" she said. "You haven't drawn anything at all,child."

  "Please, teacher, yes, I have," returned Bessie. "It's a war-picture-along line of ammunition-wagons at the front. You can't see 'em 'causethey're camouflaged."

  "Mark Twain was visiting H.H. Rogers," said a New York editor. "Mr.Rogers led the humorist into his library.