More Toasts Page 4

  "'There,' he said as he pointed to a bust of white marble. 'What doyou think of that?' It was a bust of a young woman coiling her hair-agraceful example of Italian sculpture. Mr. Clemens looked and then hesaid:

  "'It isn't true to nature."

  "'Why not?' Mr. Rogers asked.

  "'She ought to have her mouth full of hairpins,' said the humorist."

  _See also_ Futurist art.

  ASTRONOMY

  FINNEGAN--"Oh, yis, Oi can undershtand how thim astronomers cancalkilate th' distance av a shtarr, its weight, and dinsity and colorand all thot--but th' thing thot gets me is, how th' divvle do theyknow its _name_."

  I think the stars do nod at me, But not when people are about; For they regard me curiously Whenever I go out.

  Brothers, what is it ye mean, What is it ye try to say. That so earnestly ye lean From the spirit to the clay?

  I may have been a star one day, One of the rebel host that fell, And they are nodding down to say. Come back to us from hell.

  AUTHORS

  A clever author is one who never asks what they are saying when he istold that everybody is talking about his latest book.

  The wife of a successful young literary man had hired a buxom Dutchgirl to do the housework. Several weeks passed and from seeing hermaster constantly about the house, the girl received an erroneousimpression.

  "Ogscuse me, Mrs. Blank," she said to her mistress one day, "but Ilike to say somedings."

  "Well, Rena?"

  The girl blushed, fumbled with her apron, and then replied, "Veil, youpay me four tollars a veek--"

  "Yes, and I really can't pay you any more."

  "It's not dot," responded the girl; "but I be villing to take treetollars till--till your husband gets vork."

  Kate Douglas Wiggin's choicest possession, she says, is a letterwhich she once received from the superintendent of a home for thefeeble-minded. He spoke in glowing terms of the pleasure with whichthe "inmates" had read her little book, "Marm Lisa," and ended thussuperbly:

  "In fact, madam, I think I may safely say that you are the favoriteauthor of the feeble-minded!"

  Harold Jenks, a syndicate editor of Denver, was talking about the lowrates paid by the magazines.

  "They who write for newspaper syndicates, where their work appearssimultaneously in forty or fifty newspapers all over the country,"said Mr. Jenks, "make a good deal of money. Of course, the magazinewriter, beside such men, isn't one, two, three.

  "A seedy magazine writer dropped in on me this morning to borrow aquarter. As he left, he said:

  "'Jenks, old man, the difference between a hen and a magazine writeris this--while they both scratch for a living, the hen gets hers.'"

  _Consolation_

  "How did your novel come out?"

  "Well," replied the self-confident man, "it proved beyond all doubtthat it isn't one of these trashy best-sellers."

  The late Ambassador Walter Hines Page was formerly editor of TheWorld's Work and, like all editors, was obliged to refuse a great manystories. A lady once wrote him:

  "_Sir_: you sent back last week a story of mine. I know that you didnot read the story, for as a test I had pasted together pages 18, 19,and 20, and the story came back with these pages still pasted; and soI know you are a fraud and turn down stories without reading same."

  Mr. Page wrote back:

  "_Madame_: At breakfast when I open an egg I don't have to eat thewhole egg to discover it is bad."

  The great novelist summoned his publisher to his luxurious home.

  "Have your salesmen," he asked, "prepared for their semi-annual tripamong the down-trodden booksellers?"

  "They have."

  "Has your publicity man written the usual biographical notices andarranged for a series of dinners in my honor?"

  "He has."

  "Have your great minds selected a title for my forthcoming work?"

  "Indeed, yes."

  "Then what do you want me to write about?"

  The publisher drew from his pocket a paper.

  "Here is a wonderful plot," he replied. "It has every element--maudlinsentiment, mystery, touches of your characteristic humor, profoundinsight--everything."

  The great author was conservative. He had had experience.

  "I haven't time to read it just now," he said. "But are you sure? Howdo you know that it is any good?"

  "Good!" exclaimed the publisher. "Of course it is good. Why, my dearsir, it has met with the unqualified approval of every member of ourmotion-picture department."

  THE PUBLISHER--"How are you going to introduce accurate local color inyour new story of life in Thibet? You've never been there."

  THE EMINENT AUTHOR--"Neither has any of my public."--_Judge_.

  "So you got your poem printed?"

  "Yes," replied the author. "I sent the first stanza to the editor ofthe Correspondence Column with the inquiry, 'Can anyone give me therest of this poem?' Then I sent in the complete poem over anothername!"

  "Ye think a fine lot of Shakespeare?"

  "I do, sir," was the reply.

  "An' ye think he was mair clever than Rabbie Burns?"

  "Why, there's no comparison between them."

  "Maybe, no; but ye tell us it was Shakespeare who wrote 'Uneasy liesthe head that wears a crown.' Now, Rabbie would never hae sic nonsenseas that."

  "Nonsense, sir!" thundered the other.

  "Ay, just nonsense. Rabbie would hae kent fine that a king or queeneither disna ganga to bed wi' a croon on their head. He'd hae kentthey hang it over the back o' a chair."

  HOSTESS--"I sometimes wonder, Mr. Highbrow, if there is anythingvainer than you authors about the things you write."

  HIGHBROW--"There is, madam; our efforts to sell them."

  "No," said the honest man, "I was never strong at literature. To savemy life I could not tell you who wrote 'Gray's Elegy.'"

  HENLEY--"How are you getting on with your writing for the magazines?"

  PENLEY--"Just holding my own. They send me back as much as I sendthem."

  Wouldn't it be pleasant if so many authors didn't:

  Let their characters converse for hours without any identificationtags, so that you have to turn back three pages and number off oddspeeches in order to find out who's talking.

  Overwork the "smart" atmosphere, the suspension points and theseasonal epidemics of such words as "gripping," "virile," "intrigue,""gesture," etc.

  Stick up a periscope every now and then, like, "Little did he thinkhow dearly this trifling error was to cost him," or "She was to meetthis man again, under strange circumstances."

  Apply a large hunk of propaganda, like an ice bag, just where the plotought to rush ahead.

  EDITOR--"Historically, this story is incorrect."

  AUTHOR--"But hysterically it is one of the best things I have everdone."

  A man who was a great admirer of Mark Twain was visiting in Hannibal,Mo. He asked the darkey who was driving him about if he knew whereHuckleberry Finn lived. "No sah, I never heard of the gemmen." Thenhe said "Then perhaps you knew Tom Sawyer?" "No, sah, I never met thegemmen." "But surely you have heard of Puddin'head Wilson?" "Yes, sah,I've never met him, but I've voted for him twice."

  AUTHORSHIP

  TED--"I was tempted to read his book by the advertisements, but I wasdisappointed."

  NED--"That's only natural. The advertisements are better written thanthe book."

  AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS

  "Why do you turn out for every road hog that comes along?" said themissus, rather crossly. "The right of way is ours, isn't it?"

  "Oh, undoubtedly!" answered he, calmly. "As for our turning out,the reason is plainly suggested in this epitaph which appeared in anewspaper recently:

  "Here lies the body of William Jay, Who died maintaining his right of way; He was right, dead right, as he sped along, But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong."

  A motorist had been haled into court, and when his name was call
ed thejudge asked what the charges were against the prisoner.

  "Suspicious actions, your Honor," answered the policeman who had madethe arrest.

  "Suspicious actions?" queried his Honor "What was he doing that seemedsuspicious?"

  "Well," replied the officer, "he was running within the speed limit,sounding his horn properly, and trying to keep on the right side ofthe street, so I arrested him."

  "What kind of a time is he having on his motor-trip?"

  "Guess he's having a pretty lively time. He sent me a picturepost-card of a hospital."

  A tourist was just emerging from a corn-field by the roadside, bearingin his arms a dozen handsome roasting ears. A second car approachedand stopped, whereon the tourist reached for his pocketbook and askedin an embarrassed manner, "How much?"

  "One dollar," said the newcomer, and then, after receiving payment,remarked, "This is a fine field of corn. Wonder who it belongs to?"

  AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING

  "Has this car got a speedometer?" asked an old gentleman to theauctioneer, at one of the Disposal Board sales. The auctioneerwas equal to the occasion and replied: "At thirty miles an hour itexhibits a white flag, at forty miles a red flag, and at fifty milesa gramophone begins to play, 'I'm going to be an angel, and with theangels dwell'"

  "Remember, son, Garfield drove mules on a tow-path and Lincoln splitrails."

  "I know, dad; but say, did any of these Presidents ever crank a coldmotor in a blizzard for half an hour before he discovered that hedidn't have any gasoline?"

  The time to buy a used car is just before you move, so people in thenew neighborhood will think you were the one who used it.

  "I understand that you have a new motor-car."

  "Yes."

  "Do you drive it yourself?"

  "Nobody drives it. We coax it."

  "We deny ourselves much. I am saving to build a house."

  "Is your wife cheerful about it?"

  "Oh, yes. She thinks we're saving for an automobile."

  SHE--"Tell me, is an F.O.B. Detroit a reliable car?"

  "I have never owned any automobiles," said the man who hadn't yet paidfor his home, "but I can say one thing in praise of them."

  "What is that?" inquired Henderson.

  "They have made mortgages respectable."--_Judge_.

  "I see Smith is building a garage. When did he get a car?"

  "He hasn't got one yet, but he's got an option on ten gallons ofgasoline."

  An irate customer complained to her butcher about finding pieces ofrubber in the sausage meat and demanded an explanation. The butchersaid, "It is only another proof of how the automobile is taking theplace of the horse."

  "Hello, old top. New car?"

  "No! Old car, new top."

  A farmer was recently arguing with a French chauffeur, who hadslackened up at an inn, regarding the merits of the horse and themotor-car.

  "Give me a 'orse," remarked the farmer; "them traveling oil-shops istoo uncertain fer my likin'."

  "Eet is prejudice, my friend." the chauffeur replied; "you Engleeshare behind ze times; you will think deefairent some day."

  "Behind the times be blowed!" came the retort; "p'r'aps nex' time theProosians are round Paris and you have to git your dinner off a steakfrom the 'ind wheel of a motor-car, you Frenshmen'll wish you wasn'tso bloomin' well up-to-date!"

  "What does autosuggestion mean?" asked Pringle.

  "That's when your wife begins to figure out how much you would save incar-fare, and all that, if you had your own machine," replied Teggard,who had been worked just that way.

  An automobile show is a place to which car owners go to hear theexhibitors confirm their judgment.

  "I've stopped riding horseback and got a second-hand car."

  "Need more exercise?"

  "I suppose you think I'm foolish enough to buy that broken-down oldautomobile!"

  "Broken-down nothing! With the exception of a busted drive-shaft,a cracked crank-case, a loose steering-wheel, a bum battery, adilapidated differential and faulty ignition, it is just as good asnew. Outside of buying four sets of tires, three new springs, a newtop, two rear axles, a couple of batteries, having the valves groundsixteen times, the clutch tightened every week and the self-starterrepaired now and then, I have never spent one cent for repairs.The old boat hasn't been run a mile over one hundred thousand, willaverage fourteen gallons to the mile, and absolutely will not exceedtwenty-five miles an hour. It has an extra-fine new coat of paint,and is fully equipped with a hand pump and switch-key. Because of thedifficulty in shifting gears, I absolutely guarantee your wife willnever be able to drive it, and--"

  "Never mind the rest. I'll take it!"

  "I thought you owned an automobile."

  "I do, but I taught the wife to drive it, and now I'm back to thestreet-cars."

  "Say, Rastus, I done see de funniest thing t'day."

  "How come, niggah?"

  "I seed an ottermobile with its reah license B--4."

  "Say, bo, doan hand me no truck lak that."--_Judge_.

  The only trouble with a 60-horse-power motor is that every darnedhorse balks at the same time.

  BILL--"Just happened to run into an old friend down-town."

  PHIL--"Was he glad to see you?"

  BILL--"You bet not. I smashed his whole right fender."

  "My brother bought a motor here last week," said an angry man to thesalesman that stepped up to greet him, "and he said if anything brokeyou would supply him with new parts."

  "Certainly," said the salesman. "What does he want?"

  "He wants two deltoid muscles, a couple of kneecaps, one elbow, andabout half a yard of cuticle," said the man, "and he wants them atonce."

  An elderly lady of very prim and severe aspect was seated next a youngcouple, who were discussing the merits of their motor-cars.

  "What color is your body?" asked the young man of the girl at hisside, meaning of course, the body of her motor.

  "Oh, mine is pink. What is yours?"

  "Mine," replied the man, "is brown with wide yellow stripes."

  This was too much for the old lady. Rising from the table, sheexclaimed:

  "When young people come to asking each other the color of their bodiesat a dinner-party, it is time I left the room."

  "Why didn't you stop when I signaled you?" inquired the officer.

  "Well," replied Mr. Chuggins, "it had taken me two hours to get thisold flivver started, and it seemed a shame to stop her merely to avoida little thing like being arrested."

  _Who Can Tell?_

  Dear Sirs,--About the engine. Well, We write to let you know We've waded through the booklet on "What Makes the Engine Go." It took us close on half a day To read through all the guff; The engine goes all right, but don't Keep goin' long enough. It's very good to understand What makes the engine go. But why the deuce the d--- thing stops Is what we want to know. So now we're making this request, While tears and curses drop, Please send along a booklet on What Makes the Engine Stop. The folk around here all await With interest your reply: To them the reasons why she goes Don't seem to signify. So while we wait and chew the cud Don't let the matter flop; For Gawd's sake write and let us know What makes the blighter stop.

  _See also_ Fords; Garages; Horses; Reputation.

  AVIATION

  TOMMY (to Aviator)--"What is the most deadly poison known?"

  AVIATOR--"Aviation poison."

  TOMMY--"How much does it take to kill a person?"

  AVIATOR--"One drop!"

  ENTHUSIASTIC AVIATOR (after long explanation of principle and workingsof his biplane)--"Now, you understand it, don't you?"

  YOUNG LADY--"All but one thing."

  AVIATOR--"And that is--?"

  YOUNG LADY--"What makes it stay up?"

  ENTHUSIAST--"Don't the spectators tire you with the questions theyask?"

  AVIATOR--"Yes. What else do you want to know?"

  MANDY--"Rastus, you all
knows dat yo' remind me of dem dere flyin'machines?"

  RASTUS--"No, Mandy, how's dat?"

  MANDY--"Why becays youse no good on earth."

  BACHELORS

  It is a safe guess that the man who pokes fun at a woman for shoppingall day and not buying anything isn't married.

  MADGE--"You shouldn't say he's a confirmed bachelor unless you know."

  MARJORIE--"But I do know; I confirmed him."

  It is admitted that married men have better halves but it is claimedthat bachellors generally have better quarters.

  BAGGAGE

  TOMMY (just off train, with considerable luggage)--"Cabby, how much isit for me to Latchford?"

  CABBY--"Two shillings, sir."

  TOMMY--"How much for my luggage?"

  CABBY--"Free, sir."

  TOMMY--"Take the luggage, I'll walk."

  BALDNESS

  BALD HEADED GUEST--"Well, sonny, what is it that amuses you?"

  YOUNG HOPEFUL--"Nothing; only mother has put a brush and comb in yourbedroom."

  SCEPTIC--"If you have such an infallible remedy for baldness, whydon't you use it?"

  SUBTLE BARBER (very bald)--"Ah, sir, I sacrifice my appearance tobring 'ome to clients the 'orror of 'airlessness."--_Punch_.